Child Stars: Top Five and Bottom Five

by Alan Licht

Is anything more pathetic than a hass-been child star? Washed up before you can vote or legally drink, that must suck. Since I'm a late bloomer I never had the chance to find out first-hand, but I've made it a point to follow the ups and downs of these show biz casualties. In some cases I like the performer's "work;" mostly, though, I'm more interested by their weird lives and freakish celebrity status.

Top Tive

  1. GARY COLEMAN: The ultimate child star figure. Doomed to live in a child's body through adulthood because of poor kidneys, Gary was as chubby-checked-cute as they get until puberty hit, when adult features began creeping onto his grammer school body. As Different Strokes floundered, Gary decided he hated his parents (very punk) and sued 'em, got a Michael Jackson-impersonator for a best friend/personal manager (who recorded a 12-inch with Gary, The outlaw and the Indian, Siltbreeze reissue coming soon), and, according to erstwhile Crossroads High School classmate Will Baum, resorted to putting an ad in the school paper to get a date for the prom. I last saw Gary making the rounds on the talk shows, dropping hints that he saw himself as an excellent candidate for leading man roles in Hollywood (when it was painfully obvious that he would never work again). A real life Baby Jane, a wizard, a true star.

  2. DANA PLATO: Actually had a minor crush on her on Different Strokes -- must've been that episoe when she would up with green hair after a bad dye job. Anyway, Dana really hit the skids after her TV career ended -- marriend some white trash biker dude and lived in Vegas on food stamps or something, then robbed the neighborhood laundromat she went to every day wearing a not-very-convincing disguise. The woman behind the counter calld 911 after she left, exclaiming "I've just been robbed by the girl from Different Strokes !" Then, 15 minues later, Dana came back to retrieve something she left there. Clueless, way before Alicia Silverstone.

  3. DANNY BONADUCE: Could not relate to this guy at at all on The Partridge Family (I was a total Jeremy Gelbwalks lookalike), so I've not been troubled by his various escapades since those halcyon days. Caught him on Donahue once, sharing stories about being a bartender and having guys say "Hey Partridge, get me another beer," sitting in shopping mall Christmas trees ("a partride in a pear tree") to get enough money to score blow, beating up a prostitute when he found out she was a man, talking shit about Todd Bridges, etc. Now marriend to a born again Christian and supposedly living clean. How gauche.

  4. LINDA MANZ: Deservedly famous for her role as a pre-riot grrrl riot grrrl in Dennis Hopper's somewhat overrated cult film Out of the Blue and also as the tough voice-over narrator in Terry Malick's Days of Heaven, she vanished from sight after 1980 until People magazine discovered her living in a trailer, married to some slob and saddled with two kids, wanting to break into movies again. Every aspiring filmmaker I know wants to cast her. Tamra Davis will probably put her in a video or something. I say, stay in the trailer and leave the acting to J. Mascis.

  5. JACKIE EARL HALLEY: The mail Linda Manz -- the toughest Bad News Bear. Also disappeared in the '80s, overtaken by Matt Dillon, who had slightly better teeth. Maybe if he'd starred in Over the Edge, things would've worked out differently.

    Bottom Five

    1. BEN LEE: Aussie twerp who hangs out with Evan Dando and writes songs about "the road" after touring once. Jeez, even Jackson Browne waited a few albums before he did that. Bring back Old Skull.

    2. MICHAEL JACKSON: This Ronald McDonald wannabee cut some great songs in the '80s and I kinda like his Leni Riefenstahl-esque "as in artist I am beyond morality" stance, but he's a Jehovah's Witness and a big whiner. The poor man's Gary Coleman.

    3. COREY FELDMAN: I guess this guy is really fucked up or something, but I can never remember him too well as a young star, so I don't really get it. Maybe I should listen to Howard Stern more often.

    4. FRED SAVAGE: The Wonder Years totally sucked and then Fred was sued for sexual harassment when he was like, 16 or something. Lame.

    5. DREW BARRYMORE: Was cool when she was a 12-year old dipsomaniac, but now she does bogue twenty something movies and goes out with a big L.A. rock star. Christ, couldn't she show some imagination and go out with, like, Dave Schramm or something? (maybe Schramm's music publisher should look into this.