What's the big fucking deal about this Kidsmovie, anyway? Buncha teenagers screwing up a storm, who cares! Look it up, Little Darlings, Tatum O'Neal and Kristy McNichol in a duel to see who could lose her virginity first -- is this LARRY CLARK a total ripoff artist or what?...

Big news this month concerns tempermental thespian SEAN PENN, recently sighted at a Jon Spencer Blues Explosion show. Penn, not nearly as famous for his acting as he is for punching out photographers, was heckled throughout the evening by members of the BUNNYBRAINS. Mr. Hollywood Facist-Dickhead couldn't take the heat and he stormed outta Irving Plaza, stopping only to punch out an autograph seeker who thought he was one of the Baldwin brothers (and if your ex-wife was sleeping with Dennis Rodman, you'd be pretty edgy, too)...

The stars just flock to the BLUES EXPLOSION like, uh, well, like Anne Marlowe to a syringe... TOM VERLAINE wants Russell Simins to play drums for him, and FRED SCHNEIDER wants the whole band to back him up on his Albini-produced (this is not a joke) solo album. What the world really needs: "There's A Monster In My Pants, Pt. II"... Total mystery to me why Chicago's LORAX aren't the biggest band on earth... And speaking of self-obsessed losers who are going ga-ga over JON SPENCER (I've just described half the population of New York), why is TABITHA SOREN so fucking rude to SPENCER GATES? Bad enough that this talentless NYU grad (sorry if that's a redundancy) helped put Bill Clinton in the White House, doesn't she have bigger fish to fry than getting Spencer in trouble at work?...

Even if they do like Halcion, 18th DYE are very nice people...

Which NYC record retailer has insisted on throwing a gigantic public wedding party for one of his employees?... And which female pop star / aspiring actress recently unloaded her Bettie Serveert promos for quick cash?... What four-eyed Jewish King Crimson fan trashes Chavez on a daily basis via an internet "private" mailing list, yet can't stop asking Matt Sweeney and the gang for a gig for his own band?... Which Matador recording artists are no longer talking to yours truly 'cause of something that appeared in last issue's column?...

Pathetic filthy hippie journalist MIKE RUBIN recently tried to prove how cool he was by throwing a television set out a 23rd floor window. On the bright side, the TV was showing an episode of "Blossom" at the time...

Wank-fest '95 dept: Silkworm's ANDY COHEN has entered a Jimi Hendrix tribute competition sponsored by Gibson Guitars. We tried to explain to Cohen that Hendrix played a Fender, but he was too busy choking on his own vomit to listen to us...

Y'know, life just hasn't been the same since SMALL FACTORY broke up...

Lookalikes dept.: ROBERT POLLARD and MAC DAVIS... PETE SHOREand TIMOTHY MCVEIGH... DAVE from the GRIFTERS and DAVID LETTERMAN... CHRIS WHITE and BILL PARCELLS... CHRIS SPENCER and BRET SABERHAGEN... ROBERT GRIFFIN and RAY LIOTTA... JEFF CASHVAN and JIM NABORS... MARK KATES and CHRIS BERMAN... JIM FOURATT and ANTHONY HOPKINS...

They're not washed up, they're just "mature" dept.: which of the following veteran artists have called Matador looking for a deal? a) Robyn Hitchcock, b) Ike Turner, c) Terri Nunn, or d) all of the above?...

There's been so much excitement about the launch of Mark Ohe's new band, HOT WATER MUSIC, that everyone forgot to notice the breakup of ENVELOPE, who will doubtlessly form many other bands whose names will be ripped off by hippies from Vermont...

THINKING FELLERS UNION LOCAL 282 continued a winning streak of awesome band decisions by touring with LIVE, hiring Peter Davis as their manager and scheduling a Friday night show at the ironically-named Cooler (who needs oxygen anyway). Can a collaboration album with BABE THE BLUE OX be far behind?...

Best of luck to everyone from the dearly departed NY Newsday who is currently pounding the pavement (except for Ira Robbins, who can fucking starve as far as I'm concerned)...

Camera-shy GERARD COSLOY recently turned down invitations to appear on VH-1's "Four On The Floor," as well as HBO's recently cancelled LISA SLIWA talk show. He mumbled something about "keeping a lower profile" in the wake of his winning the New Jersey State Lottery...

As much as I deplore the chilling effect the current political climate is likely to have on free expression, look at the bright side -- trouble for Interscope means trouble for HELMET and anything that results in those motherfuckers being unable to make another album is a GOOD THING. Is the First Amendment too high a price to pay? Naahh...

Under Ache-me mgmt. have tried unsuccessfully to backpedal and make you think last issue's report of Karen Edlitz being fired was incorrect. Truth is, they still haven't found anyone to take the job... Fun Saturday night in front of Brownies watching Mike Stuto scream at customers for "hanging out" in front of the club. No way on earth the amazing environment inside the club has anything to do with this. Besides, if someone is outside, they can hardly be sucking down poison at a high price...

If DANNY GOLDBERG is really leaving Warner Bros., we can only hope his replacement is someone as selfless, stable and savvy. But why would TIM NYE take the job?...

From the new issue of Fuck Everything, here's the latest word on Pavement's Wowee Zowee: "Music for sissies, losers and girls. They were way better with the old drunk guy playing drums." (PO Box 40521, Redford, MI 48239)...

The geniuses at MTV recently rejected KUSTOMIZED's new rock video on the grounds they thought the band were "simulating an execution scene." Yeah, right. First of all, if PETER PRESCOTT really *was* being fried on camera, I'd personally purchase advertising time on MTV just to ensure constant airplay. And if killing innocent people for a video clip is such a bad thing, why isn't COURTNEY LOVE in jail?... And speaking of Kurt Cobain's lovely and talented widow, her upcoming "eat your pizza backwards" commercial with Drew Barrymore is winning raves throughout the advertising world... And 'til next time, as my good pal Walt Hriniak used to say, "keep your head down and lead with the top hand."

Clyde Kane is the former sports editor of the New York Telegraph. He died in 1981, but continues to write for Escandalo!because "it keeps me feeling young." The views expressed in "The Sportin' Life' are not necessarily those of Matador Records, Atlantic Records, Time-Warner Inc., or anyone else within earshot.