Daddy dearest wasn't the easiest to live with... beatings with a tennis racket... telling the neighbors I was adopted... making me wear a wig and a dress so I could "earn my keep," all examples of his strange brand of paternal "love." So it came as no surprise when the folks at Matador had Clyde Sr. sent away for some serious electroshock. I volunteered to take over the column, free of charge!

I may share my father's name, but not his brand of venereal journalism. I was shocked and saddened to learn of the violent treatment handed out to my close personal friend Everett True. ET, while MC'ing a Matador showcase in Paris, was set upon by members of Chavez and Guided By Voices, and was later bombarded with stones and furniture by members of the audience. Good news for lovers of rock criticism -- Everett's hands were uninjured and he will still be typing for years to come... Strawberries and cream, indeed. Congratulations to Jon Easley (Sorry) and Jason Asnes (Nice Strong Arm, Alkaline) on Crown Heights' recent signing with American Recordings. Skeptics might say the singer has slept his way to the top, but trust me, he was wide awake the whole time...

Sorry to report that Silkworm's Andy Cohen was a big loser in Gibson Guitars' Hendrix soundalike contest. The winner, Randy Hansen of Seattle, WA, will have his winning entry released as a CD by TAG later this year...

Can there be any better example of Europe being a continent without culture than the actions of Ira Kaplan? Mere hours after arriving home from Yo La Tengo's most recent foreign jaunt, Ira could be found at the local multi-plex, enjoying a matinee screening of Showgirls...

Austin, TX's Spoon think they are really witty by proposing to call their debut album Prince, complete with a cover photo of you-know-who, but I think Selena Live would be a better idea...

Which record company president sent his cat to a psychologist?... Which Matador artist recently completed their new rock video with the (self-imposed) mandate of "sex sells?"... Why has Juliana Hatfield been snooping around the Matador offices?...

Pavement were axed from the soundtrack of the upcoming Kids In The Hall movie on account of not being Canadian enough... Pavement were also asked to approve the playing of their hit "Cut Your Hair" in an upcoming episode of NBC's "Caroline In The City," but that was before producers discovered that when you play the single backwards, the lyrics "can you fuck / just like Howard The Duck" are clearly audible...

In other TV news, former SS Decontrol paramour Christine Elisie is a featured player on the new season of "ER" (but that's going head-to-head with Charles Grodin, so I'll never see it)...

Jesper wants to know if you can call a band Entertainment Weekly. The answer is yes, just so long as you put Prince on the cover of your record... And speaking of that magazine, some smartass published a photo of the Hyena Lady and claimed it was Tabitha Soren. Just professional sour grapes if you ask me...

Was Morten Boyd really a member of Berlin?

Congratulations to Matador marketing wizard Christina Zafiris who negotiated the megabucks deal that led to Matador sampler CDs included with every Chess King purchase.

Rental Car Woes Dept.: Gerard Cosloy was carjacked in LA, and Mark Ohe totalled a Chevy Lumina while en route to the Varenka wedding... Oh yeah, now that Mark Ohe has been tossed out of Hot Water Music, it is perfectly OK to say those guys really suck and we hope they die soon...

High-fives (and beers) all around for the Long Beach Barracuda, winners of the first (and probably last) ever Western League championship. Team mascot Barry The Barracuda has challenged our Accutron 2000 to a battle of wits, with the Sunday Times crossword puzzle as the battlefield. Accutron declines the invitation, sniffing "I'm not a mascot, I'm a robot."

Karen Edlitz called to tell us she wasn't "fired" from Under Acme 'cause she's a "free agent" and free agents can't be fired, etc. Yeah, whatever. Karen is currently doing shows at the Spiral, so don't worry, the NYC scene will stay alive for at least another 6 months.

"Become a musical asset to the world in no time whatsoever" read the flyers advertising the services of Stu Spasm, "thunder bass god" and "bitchen rock guitarist." We'd give you his phone number, except, well, there's just too much rock genius to go around, as is.

Maybe CMJ wouldn't have to charge such insane ad rates (and pay slave wages) if the publishers weren't sending expensive fruit baskets to every asshole on the block...

Alister Parker (Bailter Space) and Tony Lee (Railroad Jerk) were recently charged with throwing lamps and chairs out of a London hotel room window. Alister, always the clear thinker, claimed "self-defense," insisting that homosexual aliens from outer space were trying to climb in the window and make love to him. Hey, it happened to me once.

Sure, it sucks that Bettie Serveert can't tour the USA this autumn after being booted from the Natalie Merchant support slot on account of being "too loud" (just call 'em Motorhead II). But on the bright side, the Dutch quartet can hold their heads high, knowing they weren't accessories to the pseudo-hippie Volvo-driver mush Ms. Merchant tries to pass off as "music." Late word is that Bettie have been replaced by a wheelchair basketball exhibition...

Q: What does Jon Fine have in common with Page Hamilton and Tom Petty? A: Don't ask him or he might break his other hand on your face.

What pathetic AOR fixture can no longer rip off their deceased guitarist/songwriter, so now they're swiping songs from your favorite Matador artist?... Why is Spin magazine planting stories about Pavement stealing promos from their offices when those CDs are clearly marked "FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY"? Who really owns `em? And who would want to steal a Boo Radleys album, other than Nick Stone that is...When is the Village Voice gonna stop running the same blurb for Vitapup? When the band actually becomes listenable?

Lookalikes: Rick Hall and some guy I just saw in a S&M video.

How did they leave Lorax out of that PBS rock history program? Not one mention of Ritual Tension either, inexcusable.

What semi-popular rock duo had planned on using stunt doubles for an upcoming promotional tour -- until their record company got wind of the idea... Which record co. honcho (who is also a karate expert) stunned bar patrons by stripping to his nothingness and performing a lewd go-go routine? Hint: he can hold it in for days... and so can I!

Clyde Kane Jr. is a former actor and mime.