THE MEAT OF THE MATTER
by AJ Bender
Editor's note: Clyde Kane Jr. has joined the touring company
of "Knights Of The Night" and was unavailable to write this
month's column
So I asked Clyde Jr. what sorta things this underground (code
word for "crap no one likes") label would want in their newsletter.
He giggled something about "listing all the Hyena Lady sightings,"
but I don't know what he's talking about. I'm just doing this
as a favor to his dad, who got me started in the business...Red
faces all around when Matador execs scrambled to annul their
recent signing of Austin, TX's SPOON when it became known
that DICK DAHL doesn't like the band. Alas, the papers
were already signed, checks already cashed, good thing it was
just a one-off, huh?
Congrats to our favorite demagogue, influence-peddler and
all-around ambulance chaser JIM FOURATT on his new
gig at Mercury Records. Hopefully this exalted position will
prevent embarrassing scenes like the recent tantrums in front
of Coney Island High and Brownies when Jim wasn't allowed
in for free. Personally, I think the best punishment for anyone
who wants to go to Coney Island High is to just let them in...
and congrats to everyone's smartest 29 (27? 24? 38?) year-old
Janet Billig on her new mngt. company. Even bigger congrats
to all the bands she pursued and failed to sign during her
brief tenure at Atlantic --- whew, that was a close one!
I'm still trying to figure out how KRIS GILLESPIE got
his hands on Christy Turlington's wallet. I'm still not sure
how Gerard Cosloy ended up with REBECCA
GATES' wallet, but maybe these chicks oughta stop
carrying clumsy billfolds around and try something a little
more stylish, like a money belt, favored by my close friend
ERIC ROBERTS. Speaking of which, how come every time
I open a magazine and hear about these Friends kids,
nobody's talking about Eric's big comeback? Teamed up with
DON WILSON and Ultimate Fighting Champion DAN SEVERIN,
Eric's next feature "Best of The Best IV: Malaysian Mayhem"
brings action to the screen in ways punks like Tarantino can
only imagine. But there are no references to '70s TV shows
and none of the cast members have pierced genitals (I checked)
and I can only assume that Hollywood's precious intelligensia
will find another way to fuck Eric over...
Speaking of which, how about GUIDED BY VOICES bailing
on the URGE OVERKILL tour? Lousy ticket sales combined
with BOB POLLARD getting his ass kicked by U.O. crew
members in Toronto made this one a no-brainer. I'll bet GBV
are really sorry they passed up the Blind Melon tour for this
one..
Let me tell you about my friend, Jake. Jake IS music.
He's got a legendary collection, even stuff on eight track.
Best of all, Jake is now reviewing singles for Spin under
the pen name CHARLES
AARON.
Hey, I realize he's no fucking Ethan Hawke, but could somebody
elucidate me as to how come KEN WAHL doesn't get any
work anymore?
Hoping to avoid mashers/stalkers/potential managers, LIZ
PHAIR has begun checking into hotels under a pseudonym
(Hint: if you really want to get her on the phone, just ask
for "Spencer Gates," it works every time)... Celeb sightings
on block: GEORGE PLIMPTON, ELIZABETH BERKLEY and RICHARD
KERN...I can't wait to hear the results of STEVE
ALBINI's engineering the next BUSH album. All
I know is, after Steve recorded a Nirvana album, the singer
killed himself. I don't know what his secret is but maybe
the magic can work twice.
Mgmt. at Santa Monica's ALLIGATOR LOUNGE called Matador
demanding that the label pay for repairs to their cash register.
It seems that TWO FOOT FLAME's Jean Smith threw the
machine into the middle of Venice Blvd. after being informed
her band wasn't being paid. A car driven by cable fixture
PATRICK DEMPSEY collided with the register, flipped
over, and exploded. No one was injured in the accident, except
for a male blow-up doll owned by RICHARD LLOYD, despite
PETER JEFFERIES' best attempts at CPR.
GBV's recent sacking of JIM GREER poses several questions;
a) how do you let a talent like that walk away, b) who is
going to write about the band now, and c) can Matador recover
any of the money spent wining and dining him?
More money than brains dept.: TIM
NYE recently cashed in when his SonicNet online service
(pioneers of interactive chat with luminaries like Blind Melon
and the Dirt Merchants) was purchased by Prodigy, the Sears/IBM
money-pit that combines moronic advertising with widespread
censorship. Sounds like a marriage made in heaven... What
terminally unrecouped band just commissioned JESSE PERETZ
to direct a $200,000 video?... There's some guy hanging around
the Bowery Bar trying to hustle drinks who says he's ALISTER
PARKER but I'm not falling for it...
Wheeling and dealing with Weiland dept.: Why is STONE
TEMPLE PILOTS' mgr. calling CHRIS LOMBARDI every
day? Why is Chris avoiding his calls? Could this have anything
to do with the Weiland/Chris Spencer duet album and the furious
bidding war taking place (Zero Hour have the inside track
on this one)...
It's the thought that counts: VAL AZZOLI sent his
old Matador pals a wonderful Xmas present--a video compilation
showing DARIUS RUCKER in the front row of major sporting
events. "They should put this thing in stores," says Gerard,
who has watched the tape several dozen times... If I worked
for a magazine that put JULIETTE LEWIS on the cover,
not only would I quit, but I'd torch the place on my way out.
There's no such thing as a mini-LP. There are singles, there
are EP's, there are albums, but there's no such thing as a
MINI-LP..
LYLE HYSEN recently got
an earful from a foul-mouthed old woman he apparently "cut
off" on an icy sidewalk. Oh well, there goes the DIAMANDA
GALAS publishing deal.
A recent episode of NBC's Law & Order featured
an UNSANE poster hanging on the wall of a deceased
junkie prostitute's apartment. This is very unfair, I'm close
personal friends with many dead junkie prostitutes and hardly
any of them listen to the Unsane (at least not after Total
Destruction).
Someone sent over a copy of the REVOLVER distribution
catalog and I've got to wonder, how can a company sell records
when they refuse to accurately describe the music? It's not
as though the authors were Swedish... JOHN EASLEY called
us to say that Clyde Jr. jumped the gun in his last column
--Crown Heights' signing to American is not yet official (apparently
the band's demand that Johan have nothing to do with their
album is being negotiated).
Which Matador quartet refuses to tour Europe with SILKWORM?
Hot tip of the month, ARISTA STRUNGYS to fill the
MICHELLE PFIEFFER role in the planned Dangerous
Minds sequel... Clyde Jr. left a message on my voice mail
last night. "Who amongst us hasn't watched an attractive person
enter an airplane lavatory and imagined licking the seat after
they've left?" I don't know, Clyde, CARDINAL O'CONNER?
Lookalikes: BOBBY HURLEY and that kid from "A Bronx
Tale," ROBERT DENIRO and professional wrestler TOMMY
DREAMER, ROBERT GOSS and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN,
CHEROKEE PARKS and that guy from the New Bomb Turks, PERRY
FARRELand my grandmother.
Remember when BILLY SQUIER sued his video director
for making him look effeminate? He should've sued his mother
instead. But I can only wonder what kind of legal action CHEAP
TRICK are planning to take against LARRY CLARK,
malpractice for making them look retarded?
Notice to all future Matador interns. Don't wear a Space
Needle t-shirt to the office if you expect to stick around
(and don't piss off Rusty, either)... Speaking of which, anti-
smoking fever has taken over the 4th floor as RUSTY
CLARKE, PATRICK AMORY and JESPER EKLOW have
all gone cold turkey (which is nowhere near as tasty as hot
turkey with gravy and stuffing). Not to be outdone, ACCUTRON
2000 has stopped doing heroin and several other staffers
(who prefer not to be identified) are no longer having sex...
out of step with the world, I'm AJ Bender and you are too...
AJ Bender is a columnist for the NY Daily News
and can be seen daily on the T! For Trailers channel
AJ Bender's Top 10 Movies of All Time
- Taxi Driver
- Goodfellas
- Dog Day Afternoon
- Scarface
- The Pope Of Greenwich Village
- Raging Bull
- The Deer Hunter
- Taxi Driver
- Goodfellas
- Dog Day Afternoon (tie), Cotton Candy
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