by Gerard Cosloy

Lite-mania is everywhere, Lite fries, Lite beers, etc. We're not here to celebrate lite, but rather to bury it, 'cause IT'S COSTING US MONEY. Chris and I sit down w/ our close personal friends Sumner and Edgar and Suge and they all wanna know, "how come you guys don't have any hits?" Excuse me? No hits? You haven't rocked to "The Sweater Song"? Felt the surge of empowerment with "You Oughta Know?" Me neither. Nearly every important development in pop music '96 is a blatant ripoff from the Matador roster. Appropriation might be a time honored tradition (see: example), but not when it affects our bottom line. We don't have children, but if we did, these motherfuckers would be taking food out of their mouths! Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery, not when compared to bags of money or oral sex (more on this later).

Pavement

    Weezer. Just look at 'em. On second thought, don't look, just keep shooting and maybe you'll get their fans, friends and handlers, too.

    Sammy. If Rebecca Odes has left this band, congratulate her on the great career move. If not, shoot her.

Liz Phair Lite

    Alanis Morrisette. She'll go down on you in a theatre, but can she make it turn blue? Who fucking knows, the song was written by the guitar tech for Night Ranger.

    Heather Nova. Proof positive that Abbo has lost his mind. Physical resemblance aside, how low can you go when your (only) hit repeats the phrase "I want to come" ad infinitum? Not only do we want money from this one, but Sheryl Crow's manager is on the phone, it seems someone has stolen her head.

Guided By Voices Lite

    The Beatles. Fake british accents, this should've gone outta style with Springhouse.

    Oasis. See above.

    Mod Fun (if they get back together)

MECCA NORMAL Lite

    Roxette. Woman sings, guy plays guitar, what else do you need to know?

UNSANE Lite

    Korn, also known as "Korn with a K." Just imagine a band that sounds exactly like the Unsane if they really sucked.

TOILING MIDGETS Lite

BLUES EXPLOSION Lite

    Canned Heat, via time machine (Jesper thought of this one, I don't know what he's talking about).

MARCE HALL Lite

    Jamie Walters. Everytime I visit the office late at night I unlock the door, flip on the lite and try to figure out why Marce is standing atop the xerox machine at 3 am. Then I figure out that it's really a life-size cutout of Jamie Walters, but it takes a while.

FROGS Lite

    Smothers Brothers

    Jeremy Irons in "Dead Ringers"

Anyhow, rather than becoming all bitter and wrecked over this, we've decided if we can't beat 'em, join 'em (many business decisions at Matador are made this way). We're establishing the new spinoff label Matador Lite, an imprint designed to effectively promote and market artists who are merely watered down versions of those we've already signed.

Think you sound and look just like Jon Spencer, only without an original idea of your own? Send us your tape! Any trios want to try and out Yo La the real Yo La? Send us your long-form video! Have you got the charisma and breath of Mark E. Smith? Then never mind, we already did that once...but seriously, this is your big chance at (fleeting) fame & fortune. Winners will get mentioned several times in the Hits "Wheels & Deals" column and will receive a big luncheon at the Time Cafe with Franklin Bruno's lawer (if he's in town). We're counting on you to make this work and replenish our coffers 'cause many of our big name artists are about to break up or leave for Geffen. Send DATS, CD's, VHS tapes and photos to:

MATADOR LITE
625 Broadway, 12th Fl, NYC 10012
Attn: R. Felder