The Wrath of Kane

Clyde Kane

Back by popular demand, you wouldn't believe all the fan mail I received at the sanitarium. So what if none of it was postmarked "Oakland, CA", wouldn't you rather get the scoop from the ORIGINAL Clyde Kane than any of the pathetic imitators who filled this space the past several months?... speaking of which, what nationally recognized gossip hound/strip-club fixture called the Matador offices and threatened to "come down there and ruin the place" if we continued to take his name in vain? Hint: he is classier than Dice Clay and smarter than Peter McNeely. Take your time on this one...

Why is KIM DEAL going out of her way to criticize SPOON? We realize that keeping up with Kim's impressive track record of innovation and originality is a daunting task, so difficult that she apparently can't find the time to purchase a bottle of shampoo...

Which Matador singer/songwriter was recently presented with an artichoke by one of her adoring fans? Hint: it wasn't Liz Phair and no arrests were made afterwards...

After numerous reports by NY Press' Adam Hemlich Maneuvers In The Dark alleging that Matador "sells no records, or at least not very many," our crack-marketing team has hit upon a sure-fire solution; purchase more ads in NY Press !...

Which New York band used their relationship with a budding journalist to plant rumors of a imminent Matador signing in a local weekly--when they had never been contacted by anyone at the label?...

The worst part about BRETT VAPNEK leaving Matador is that now there's no one else to blame when $50,000 rock videos don't get played. Of course, there is no one to blame when $300,000 albums don't sell. This is no one's fault other than the ignorant consumers, conservative retailers, crooked distributors, retarded reviewers and coked-up programmers...

Hey, I thought Brain Candy was pretty good. But why didn't Steve Martin get his name on the poster?...

Which New York booking magnate phoned up demanding a free BARDO POND CD, insisting that playing said CD over the PA at a VARNALINE gig was essential "'cause there's no buzz on Bardo Pond." Yeah, and the only "buzz" there oughta be on you, Varnaline, and their fans is the sound of a chainsaw... One-half percent, if you will...

Brilliant Rolling Stone article about the Atlantic marketing strategy for JEWEL (bet you didn't know that RS had become a trade publication). Which Atlantic executive came up with the idea of sleeping with SEAN PENN?...

Lookalikes: Spoon's BRITT DANIEL, GARY BUSEY and Knick bench-warmer BRAD LOHAUS... JESPER EKLOW and ECW booker PAUL HEYMAN (especially on the advertisement for the SABU t-shirt).... Guided By Voices' KEVIN FENNEL, TERRY FUNK and former Met CHARLIE O'BRIEN (OK, maybe if they all had different colored hair)....BILLY CORGAN and the kid from "Small Wonder"...

What is up with all these students writing term papers about SILKWORM? How much you wanna bet these masterpieces would've had a different subject had PAVEMENT released a new album in '96? And why were Silkworm and SM spotted at a Bush gig in Tacoma, WA? Perhaps they misread the marquee and thought Rush were playing... Rumors continue to fly around the office that one of STEPHEN MALKMUS' old classics might turn up on the soundtrack to Knight Rider - The Movie....

Which Matador drummer recently suffered a mysterious drug overdose moments before a sold-out show? Hint: it wasn't Russell Simins....Which Matador publicist was recently caught rollerblading down the company's hallway? Hint: her name is Deborah Orr...

Who is spreading the insane rumor that Matador is opening an L.A. office? We've had an L.A. office for years, his name is Johan Kugelberg...

NASCAR is no sport dept: I'm told that auto racing is a big deal down south, but as far as I'm concerned the car does all the work...

More proof that the volunteer army isn't working -- we saw the ultra-generic DISHWALLA signing AUTOGRAPHS in the lobby during a recent TOMMY KEENE performance...

So the New York Times runs a big splashy article about our website and there's not one fucking mention of Clyde Kane! Man, you threaten to poke someone's eyes out and they hold a grudge forever!...

I don't care what anyone says, $10 to see the GRIFTERS at Under Acme is perfectly justified, especially when compared to $20 movie tickets, $50 bleacher seats at Yankee Stadium, $70 packs of cigarettes or my new Percodan prescription... and of course, we're really sorry Under Acme is closed. Really sorry they didn't have a big fire first...

Is it just me or doesn't "Cravin' Melon" strike you as a racist name for a band from the deep south? Shouldn't whoever signed Hootie Jr. be exercising some social responsibility?... If my wheelchair had batteries, I'd go see the LYNNFIELD PIONEERS...

Not a spare minute goes by without some self-styled entrepreneur ringing us up about some exciting rock showcase/convention scam, CMJ, Macintosh, NXNW, Nashville VD festival, the Northampton Nedelkoff Seminar, etc. This is just like the boxing circuit --- why isn't there just ONE governing body? Like, the World Rock Council or something. One convention a year ONLY, and it takes place at a casino or some third-world location that has an airport with lax security, why not?... Speaking of airports, maybe ValuJet wouldn't have so many accidents if they hired pilots older than 7... and what the fuck is up with these grades/numbers/stars on record reviews? What, you don't think anyone will bother to read the entire review? If Chuck Stephens is the reviewer, you're probably right. But why do we keep hearing stories about journalists assigning 9's or 10's/4-5 stars on their reviews, only to see them in print with a substantially lower mark? Either these critics are spineless cowards or their editors are just mini-Hitlers trying to ensure that the Beatles Anthology got the highest grade. Or both...

Which Matador artist, affectionately referred to as "the Franchise," is threatening to make a country album?...that's it, if you want real timely information, you'll stick to the web site and give me back my fucking remote...

Clyde Kane is a former sportswriter for the New York Telegraph. He's been dead a long time, but likes to contribute every now and then, just to show us how it's done.