|
|
|
SWM SEEKS STEVE VAN WORMER LOOKALIKE FOR HUMAN SACRIFICE
by Gerard Cosloy
There are few things I enjoy more than reading a new issue of
Spin magazine -- phone conversations with Dennis
Flemion, the jukebox at the Lakeside Lounge, a private screening
of Caligula, etc. And the wonders that each new issue
brings to my bathroom -- Tonya
Donnelly in silver hot pants, Charles Aaron auditioning
for other publications, an in-depth interview
with Roseanne. Y'know, the kind of stuff you just can't get
anywhere else. So is it any surprise that Matador Records has
long-endeavored to help Bob Guccione, Jr. kick Rolling Stone's
flabby ass in the battle for ad pages? He clearly doesn't need
our help when trying to win the hearts and minds of America's
youth (although a third Tori Amos cover wouldn't hurt), but
we're always glad to throw some of our money his way 'cause
what else would we do with it? MRR won't take our money,
Flipside won't return Christina's calls and all the magazines
I actually like have stopped publishing. There are suggestions
that we could increase our advertising presence in some specialty
publications that don't really write about music... but isn't
that what Escandalo!'s for?
Funny then, that the same guy whose attempts to attach condoms
to his magazine, would have such a strange problem with the
F-word. And other words. This is Bob Guccione Jr. I'm talking
about, not Malcolm Forbes. We've been running classified advertisements
in Spin for some time now, and we've seen Spin
reject or edit our ads on more than one occasion. We've been
prevented from using the word "fuck" (helpfully changed to "f-ck,"
which could also mean fick or fock or feck if you really thought
about it), despite having been allowed to run a previous ad
with the heading "Superhot Free Phone Fuck" (perhaps this ad
ran because someone thought it was a bona-fide spot for telephone
sex). We were prevented from calling former Spin staffer
Mark Blackwell "a fairy," but we were allowed to call him "superstud"
(apparently one is an insult and the other isn't).
But we've somehow gotten away insulting Charles Aaron, leading
us to assume that Mr. Aaron must've pissed off a colleague in
the ad department (hopefully a Pavement fan). Other interesting
contradictions: an advertisement that took Spin to task
for censoring our classifieds (while profiting from Kurt Cobain's
death) was killed, but a subsequent ad bemoaning the Frogs'
omission from the Spin Alternative Guide To Music ran
as-is (I guess the Frogs will get their own chapter in the Spin
Alternative Guide to Race Baiting).
Another entry, headlined "Goochy Goochy Goo, put that intern
down!" was also left on the cutting room floor, probably because
the publisher is very modest and doesn't' want to admit that
he sometimes lifts some of his smaller charges who have trouble
reaching things on tall shelves. Why does the New York Observer
only print the mean stuff about people who are trying to make
a difference? Oh well. At least they don't seem to mind when
we lambaste their other advertisers; no problems when we dump
on Mammoth or Alias (we can say that they suck, we just can't
say that they FUCKING SUCK). Which is lucky, because Les
Scurry of Alias keeps asking why we continuously harpoon
his label. I don't know, we're jealous or something, what do
you think?
We want to continue running classifieds in Spin because,
c'mon, their readers are the smartest (except for the dozen
or so who thought we were putting out a Klaus
Kinsky spoken word album). But we've obviously lost the
ability to determine when our ad copy "goes too far" (so has
Spin's sales department). So consider this an open invitation
to you, the reader, to compose your own Spin classified
that we will run (or at least try to run) in a future issue
of America's Greatest Magazine That Has Nothing To Do With
Penthouse.
And please, no entries from that guy who writes all the f-cked
up postcards, he's practically taking over the newsletter. No
entries from any Matador employees or artists will be eligible
for the grand prize, a review copy of the Spin Alternative
Guide To Music, autographed by Joe Gaer.
CLASSIFIEDS
c/o Matador
676 Broadway, 4th fl
NYC 10012
|
|
|
