Matador Records | Escandalo! No 6

KANE, KANE, KANE!

Clyde Kane

Hi, hello, and get ready for... news! OK, not everything is new to the info-addicts who pick this thing up. Like for instance, my brief stint at U.S. Marine boot camp. It was always a dream of mine to join America's finest Killing Machines, but since I couldn't become a bouncer at the Rat, I had to settle for Camp Lejeune. Too bad things didn't work out. Can you believe they expected me to live there for three months without the Golf Channel or boiled beef? Sorry, but Clyde Kane just can't handle losing control of his life... nor can anyone at Matador handle the steady stream of litigation flying their way. Highlights since last issue include the following:

LIQUOR GIANTS VS. SEAGRAMS

PAVEMENT VS. THE SALEM AVALANCHE
Bush league, indeed. The Virginia-based single A ball club thinks that Pavement's "Solemn Avalanche" logo looks something like their own. Jesus Christ, have they ever heard of Patrick Roy?

MATADOR VS. SEAN WAYLAND LOOKALIKE
High-powered rock attorney and equally suave rock manager claim that their client (whom we've never heard of) looks an awful lot like Sean Wayland, self-described "depressed rocker," and celebrity spokesperson for Matador's defunct (but highly successful) Stop the Vote campaign. Hey, we sympathize and it could be much worse (he could sound exactly like Eddie Vedder, for instance).

Palomine cover MATADOR VS. WALT DISNEY
Cover art to the 101 Dalmations soundtrack looks suspiciously like Bettie Serveert's Palomine. No suit is pending but we'll wait and see how much we have to pay if we lose any of the above cases. (We reserve the right to change our minds about this freedom of expression stuff, depending on how badly we need the money.)

JOE GAER VS. MATADOR
Deposed Matador receptionist hits back with sexual harassment charges against company co-owners. Gaer admits that he never slept with Chris or Gerard but claims they fostered "a highly sexual environment" in the workplace. We think he's been watching too much Court TV.

NORTH CAROLINA NAACP VS. THE BLUES EXPLOSION
The esteemed civil-rights organization took a dim view of the band's "A Million Blues Explosion Fans Can't Be Wrong" poster (featuring Million-man Marchers hiking through the streets of D.C.) or so we thought. The letter of complaint was signed "Calvin Broadus," aka Snoop Doggy Dogg. We're still not sure which member of the band is responsible for this cruel hoax...

Speaking of evil pranks, several Matador staffers were phoned well past their bedtimes by JSBX tour manager Chris Fahey, who reported that Jon Spencer and tourmates Tony Lee and Dave Varenka (of Railroad Jerk) were in a Salt Lake City prison cell following a post-gig riot. The very gullible Gerard Cosloy was so shocked by this news he began calling CNN, MTV and E! hoping to cash in, only to learn the next afternoon that no arrests were made and all the musicians were free as birds...

We've got no grudge with Touch & Go Records, one of the finest labels in the history of rock, but what's up with failed Sonic Youth tribute band BLONDE REDHEAD? In a recent issue of Amazine!, Blonde Redhead's Kazu is asked about Matador and responds, "Oh, them, they're always selling off pieces of their label, bit by bit." Yeah, whatever. We sold one big piece and kept the rest. If you've got a problem with us 'cause we tell everyone how much your band sucks, just so say and spare us the business analysis. Excuse me while I call the INS...

What were CHAVEZ doing onstage before a recent SMASHING PUMPKINS show at the Nassua Mausoleum? In any event, we hope everyone in attendance signed a release form... Clay Tarver swears that Chavez's "Break Up Your Band" video is a big hit in Sweden but there's no way we'll ever find out, so never mind...

Since we're talking about stadium rock, fans of bombast and self-obsession probably caught Dennis Flemion of THE FROGS playing keyboards for the Smashing Pumpkids during their recent string of enormo-dome shows. Following the untimely passing of Jimmy Melvoin, Dennis and Jimmy Flemion were each hired to accompany the Pumpkins on tour--see, one family's tragedy is another family's lucky break, only in America, etc. To paraphrase our good buddy Abbo Dabbo Do, now that the major labels have run out of indie labels to buy, superstar bands are purchasing indie bands. Look for an awesome new Frogs EP called Starjob coming soon via Scratchie Records... which reminds me, when is that Cravin' Melon album coming out?...

Coulda swore Mike Keenan just got off the phone with Jesper about some MIA CDPRO's... oh yeah, if you ever want to order a vodka and orange juice around this place, just don't call it a Skrewdriver...

Congratulations to our good friend Matthew Johnson at Fat Possum Records on his recent deal with Epitaph Records. We trust the Epitaph gang will enjoy working with Matthew as much as we did...

Which Matador exec was advised to purchase a nose-hair trimmer by Britt Daniel?

Perhaps hoping to hook up with old neighborhood pal Mark Ibold, LIVE's management recently rang up trying to score tickets for Pavement's Spaceland show. We politely explained that said tickets were already purchased by the band's loyal fans, and mr. manager was equally polite in saying thanks anyway. So you see, you can be #1 in the Billboard chart and still be gracious when you don't get a plus-one (y'know, not everyone acts like Mark Blackwell)... There's one nice thing I can say about Blonde Redhead: None of 'em are stupid enough to gate-crash a wedding reception and think they could get away with it...

I don't care what anyone says, there's no possible way more than two-thirds of this label's roster would ever stoop to doing beer or soft-drink commercials... Crypt kicked off the release of the new Bantam Rooster record with a one-sheet that was directly lifted from an old Sheep on Drugs promo blurb. After a quizzical call from Invisible Records' head Martyn Atkins (aka Brian Brain), we made a mental note never to fuck with these people...

Last time I went to the Mercury Lounge the door guy asked me "What band are you here to see?" Figuring that my answer might be used to determine who got paid that night, I replied "the Action Swingers, and no one else." So what if they broke up years ago? I'm sure they got stiffed a couple of times and maybe this will set things straight...

Awesome job on that new Trouser Press book. They sure know how to pinpoint the most important rock developments of the decade. Which is why Fire in the Kitchen and the Dustdevils didn't make the cut, but Sophie B. Hawkins did...

If only they'd left in the dancing cigarette butts, Pavement's "Stereo" video would've been a sure-thing buzzclip. Or maybe not...

Did anyone else think that Kingpin was an elaborate parody of Rain Man? Okay, then how about Dave Martin's cameo as a dancing Amish guy (dancing to Blues Traveler, no less)? Be sure to tell him how much you enjoyed it the next time you see him...

YO LA TENGO's recent surprise opening slot with Beck at Roseland in New York was marred by an inconsiderate marquee supervisor who spelled their name wrong. How could anyone possibly fuck that up?...

What exactly is going on between Dennis Frog and Helena Christensen?...

Since Robert Christgau can't pass up a chance to throw another knockdown pitch in the direction of the Blues Explosion, I thought I'd help him find some new targets.

Artists Who Are Far More Racist Than the Blues Explosion:

Our final awards for excellence in rock criticism go to the Austin-American Statesman and the Grifters's Dave Shouse. The former cited a recent Cat Power gig as "The Worst Show of 1996," which only leads us to wonder: If they know so fucking much about music, why are they still working in Austin? Mr. Shouse, whilst acting as a jukebox jurist in Alternative Press, made note of Chan's lame vocals and poor recording skills. Or maybe AP was polling Dan Aquilante and printed Dave's name as a joke. This prank stuff has to end before someone gets seriously hurt!

Clyde Kane is America's oldest, no-longer-living sportswriter