Wells : The Wiggles = Child Abuse
February 11th, 2008 at 6:20 am by GerardFormer NME scribe Steven Wells does some quality blogging for The Guardian, mostly on matters concerning the sporting scene. But with Friday’s entry he turns his attentions to “the greatest threat rock music has ever faced — The Wiggles.”
Today’s kids have no chance. They are being metaphorically drugged, kidnapped and lobotomized by inanely grinning pastel-wearing pantywaists making mock kiddy pop so vacuous it’s terrifying.
Does it matter? Hell yes it matters. Toddlers are a vital pop resource. They have innate taste. Play them Who Let the Dogs Out and they will dance and laugh and clap. Play them Teenage Fanclub and they will scream in agony. Play them the Decembrists and they’ll start banging their heads off the wall. Play them Noah and the Whale and their heads explode. They are canaries in the pop mine, primed to cry and shit themselves at the first whiff of James Blunt.
In response to a recent post on the music blog, reader marckee revealed that when very small he danced and laughed along to Ant Music by Adam and the Ants, indisputably one of the top five albums of the 20th century and further proof of toddlerdom’s pop omniscience.
(If all 20-something male A&R men were sacked and replaced with two-year-olds, we would never have to listen to a crap song ever again.)
But the Wiggles (above) are changing that by destroying the taste of pop’s greatest human resource. By providing kids with a roughage free diet of monodimensional, monocultural, monobraincelled musical rusk-slop, they are turning toddlers from infallible supercritics into brainwashed automatons – future fans of Celine Dion or Phil Collins or Travis or Coldplay or whatever horrors the manufactures of golf-muzak have up their coke’n'snot caked evil wizard sleeves.
February 11th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
He scored mega points in my books for referencing Noah And The Whale!
February 12th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Swells’ punctuation has mellowed since 1990, even if his tone hasn’t.
February 12th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Not all is lost. Currently on my five-year-old daughter’s chalk board is her depiction of Carl Newman and Neko Case, two of her favorites. She told me there wasn’t enough room to include Dan Bejar.
Here it is on Flickr, if you care to take a peak.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/23740093@N07/2261141881/
February 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
the wiggles are the worst excuse for music there is. It\\\’s like getting babies drunk at a young age with the same results.